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oh, dear god.


after reading this old-ass post from 2009, I find myself feeling overwhelmed by all kinds of conflicting emotions and ideas.

for one, I feel a horrible sense of hopelessness. does anything in life mean anything? I feel the exact same way about jesse now that I did about lucky then, and I don't give a good god damn about lucky anymore. someday I'll probably be saying the same about jesse, but it's a real shame in my mind now because I am still so caught up in the relationship I had with him, and I don't want to think that it could one day be worthless to me. I want to think that after a period of time apart, we will reunite and be together forever, the end. all together now -- "PAAAAAAAAAATHETIC!"

for two, I feel a sense of hope. maybe one day I will look back on this time of my life and feel grateful to have gotten out of it when I did.

I don't know what is right or wrong anymore! I know generally what I want and act accordingly, but lately I just feel like a complete mess. I'm just going with whatever whim strikes me, and right now that's to quit my job and probably go entirely broke living jobless in idaho for a month.

I'm straight confused.

Oct. 5th, 2009

I made a new song. it sounds awful now that I have converted it to mp3 format, but the idea is still there. check it out.

soon we'll only have to wave

regardless of whether my tendency to make emotional investments in people is misplaced and detrimental to my own emotional stability in the ultimate outcome or not, I have learned that it is better to feel than to feel not. emotions are the only real aspect in my life. relationships aren't real, and neither are any of the various obligations I have to apply myself to daily, but they do help me come closer to being more in touch with who I am and where I should be. though I long for fulfilling relationships and someone/thing to meet my biting needs and desires, there is no way that I can ever rely on anyone like I can rely on myself. the one thing that does bring me strength and stability in this topsy-turvy mess of a world is that I can catch myself when I'm falling if there is no one else around to do it for me -- or even if there is. sometimes it is nice to depend on others to be a designated emotion-discard bin, but since I don't much like being that person for others, I can only imagine that it is, at the very least, unpleasant to be that person for me. I have a major recurring issue with returning to people who I honestly don't want to be close to anymore just because they are familiar, but I'm sick of not having people when I want them, and them wanting me when I don't. people are the only things that absolutely can stress me out over other aspects of my life. I can't handle too many people being in my life, not matter how much I might truly care about them. I have to come first because that is all I can mentally handle, and if I don't put myself first, I will cease to exist. I am sick of everyone and I can't wait to get away.
I, adoree taylor, am now enrolled with Cabrillo College.

Sep. 9th, 2009

I'd like to think that people should be able to let go of the past and accept that everything/everyone changes, even if in minor or unnoticeable ways; however, I see a major lacking of open-mindedness in most people who I have had confrontation with in the past. this is a problem I have recognized in myself, too. it's easy to hold grudges from even the smallest incidences, but in some cases I think it should be easy enough to take just a moment to reflect and reassess what's going on now in comparison to then. it has been my most recent goal to keep a level head in a situation where I may have lost it and let myself lose composure once before, which helps me realize that mind over matter is a very powerful concept. I don't think that the world is out to get me, but have noticed that good and bad fortune tend to wash over my life in waves. it is becoming more apparent to me now that it is how I face each wave that will determine whether or not is affects my life. with more and more obligations taking over my life in the past month, I've realized that even though I don't necessarily care to meet expectations or complete what I find to be meaningless tasks, I have to give a little to get a little if I want to move forward to a place where I feel more in control and content with what I want and must do.

in other words: I will grin and bear it and continue to do my best in every aspect of my life.

courtney jackson has chosen to pick a fight with me to which I gladly decline. she can kiss my ass.
I know I talk about this non-stop these days, but I am seriously going out of my mind having to live in this town with these people and this stupid routine. I was just looking at one bedroom apartments for rent on craigslist and it made me feel so anxious. of course the chances of me finding an apartment to rent on my own and which is affordable are slim, but I'm even considering moving out of my apartment and maybe living with mom and dad for a bit, if they would agree to it, because I need to save some money, and that is absolutely impossible while I am living here and just barely affording my rent. I have to get out of humboldt county soon. I am unable to feel happy or content here and I can't find comfort in any place, person or activity. I am actually going to choose and path and stay on it. this means I have to make some major changes to prepare for the ultimate change I am aiming for. I hate it here so much.

Aug. 3rd, 2009

I wish my life was a chalk board.


my life currently consists of three things: working, drinking a lot of alcohol and mood swings. I am thoroughly sick of all three. one of the most irritating factors in my life is that I can't seem to do anything with anyone without having to get drunk first. all anyone ever wants to do anymore is get drunk. well I don't have the money or the remaining brain cells to continue doing it. also, I flat out hate it. along with smoking weed. sure, I feel great once I've gotten high or I've numbed my entire body/mind with alcohol, but these things are only temporary. I will come down and my real life issues will hurt even worse once I do. I'm sick of pretending to be happy when I am anything but. I'm sick of being the wet blanket who just bitches about everything all the time. I'm sick of never being able to take some time for myself to be alone. I don't feel like spending time with people.

last night when I came home from work, I was so exhausted, mentally and physically, and all I wanted to do was eat dinner and be by myself and listen to music or something, but kelsey's friend cieara is staying with us, so she would of course be at my house when I got home from work and need someone to keep her entertained. but then on my way home liam calls me and uses his little whiny voice, "where aaaare yoooou?" I told him I was driving home, so he said, "will you be home soon? cieara and I went for a walk and we locked ourselves out of your house." then I started feeling kind of overwhelmed like I have children to mind after or something. I just feel like I've been over-extending myself to my friends recently and it's wearing on my emotions and my wallet. no one my age is expected to understand what it is like to try to make a living on a minimum wage salary and sixteen hours of work a week, but I still can't believe the way my friends treat my house like it's their parents' house. everyone always wants to get beer with their two dollars expect kelsey and I to cover the rest. then once they are drunk or stoned they eat all of our food. then melanie stays over and in the morning takes a 45 minute long shower... then smokes two bowls and eats all of our food before she goes to school.

the other day melanie woke me up at six in the morning with her ridiculous ruckus, then I notice her taking my electric heater (which I do not use due to its high energy inefficiency) into the bathroom with her while she takes a shower. this bothers me because one: as I said, it is very energy inefficient, and two: because it is dangerous to have in the bathroom while the shower is running? also, I came out of my room and the whole house smelled like weed, which just really bothers me.

I haven't spoken to melanie in a few days. I don't really care. I can't handle her right now.

liam is insisting on beer pong at my house tonight. I don't really care, but I can't drink tonight. I can't drink ever again. I am too depressed and I am starting to develop a beer gut.

I don't want to have to deal with my life today. it just never leaves me alone.

Mar. 9th, 2009

melanie, kelsey and I are making a group move to santa cruz next year. I am finally feeling a bit of direction in my life.

in the mean time, I feel unsettled and miserable.